Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Keanu Reeves to rape Cowboy Bebop

You know when you wear a suit that doesn't really fit you all that well, and the shoulders are kinda off, so you can't move your arms around too much like with lifting or... movement at all? I mean, you're kinda stiff, but you think "Hey, at least I look pretty good. Yeah."
That's Keanu Reeves. Except he stopped looking good circa the end of the Matrix series.
Good old wooden-acting Keanu is soon to take on the role of one of anime's most beloved characters from the series Cowboy Bebop. It will probably be renamed Cowboy Boobbop, to appease our secular culture.
For those sad creatures who have never experienced the greatness that is the Bebop, back the fuck up.
Bebop is an adult animated scifi (Think Firefly mixed with adventure or something, and if you dont know what Josh Wheaton's Firefly is, I'll get to you later.)
So there are these two guys that run a bounty-hunting gig. One's Jet, an older kinda balding buff native American dude with a metal arm. He's the captain of the Bebop their spaceship. (Earth is pretty much like Seal's face from meteors exploding. Heh. So peeps are pretty much on other planets in space.) Anyway, the younger dude has spiky black hair, doesn't give a shit about anything but in a friendly sort of easy-going way that just fucking oozes cocky coolness that pretty much anyone that has ever gone through highschool can envy from the pits of our black little hearts. His name is Spike.

So along the way of smoking cigarettes and being hungry and shooting up bad-guys (space western kinda, I'm aware, shut up), they also pick up a gambolling hottie Fay Valentine, who in school in 2010, got into an accident in space and was put in cryogenic freezing. defrosted a long ass time later, everyone she once knew is almost dead. She's the worst developed character of the show, but she's the fanservice, there for long legs, jiggly boobs and crotch shots, although less gratuitously than done in alot of series. But I'm a fan of fan service anyway.
They pick up a data dog (not important nevermind) and a young gumby-like girl named Ed who does shit with computers.
All in all, it makes for a pretty fun varied cast, ad the interactions between Fay, Spike and Jet especially are realistic, funny, and sometimes sad.
Like most anime heroes, Spike has a past, and is basically living for the moment when he dies. Yet he's not hell-bent on destruction like alot of characters we see who have given up. Spike's not trying to kill himself, he's actually kind of a generally friendly good-mood fellow, he just considers death factually.
So here's my gripe. In order to pull off being 1) an extremely handsome anime character and 2) a varied character that is young and likeable you would not be Keanu Reeves.

If someone isn't an actor, stop putting them in roles that requires acting. It's that simple.
Tortoise headed, squinty-eyed, slack-lipped, aging, tired, dry, wooden-acting Keanu Reeves. If he says "WHOA" in the remake of this like he has in every single one of his movies, I will kill someone. I am warning you now, because inevitably, he will sneak that in somewhere, like a wet suffocated fart.

You see, the shitty jazz music that actually added alot to the series will probably be one of the first things to go. Then of course will be the side stories about Jett and Fay and Ed, I'm guessing the plot will focus mainly on Spike's doomed and far-away affection for his lost love, and of course, his vengeance. But the elements that put together a well-rounded quirky series cannot be squashed into a film, let alone one Americanized enough (booby boob booberson) to really be a good movie. especially with the lead character being old now (he ain't passable as 20) and unable to carry off the uber- lanky apathetic yet lovable Spike.
And if you think 'Dude, you bitch alot about remakes,' I have this to say to you, sir: You goddamned right.

In the end of the series, in a sad an triumphant scene, Spike points his finger like a gun and says "bang".

Bang indeed Spike. Bang indeed.

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